She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
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I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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