I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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