Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
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You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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