Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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