Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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