Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
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THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Enjoy the penises
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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