Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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