Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
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My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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