theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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