went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you traded sex for a burrito?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
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Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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