Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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