Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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