if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Too much gin, very little bucket
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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