My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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