No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize