At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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