PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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