and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
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Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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