My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize