did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
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I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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