Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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