The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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