Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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