Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
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