i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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