i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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