Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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