apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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