you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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