happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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