can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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