Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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