Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My cat gives me a boner
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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