if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
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I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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