I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
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Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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