I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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