She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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