I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
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I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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