I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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