he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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