i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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