I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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