It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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