I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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