No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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