She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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