I am midnight drunk by noon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize