Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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