I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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