Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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